Over the past few months I've been reading bits of Elaine Aron's The Highly Senstive Person. I recognized myself as being unusually sensitive about 4 years ago. It's not that the sensitivity devoloped then, but just that I became more self-aware, and stopped reacting without questioning. I noticed that things affected me that others didn't even notice - bright light, sudden or loud sound, certain fabrics, textures, tastes, and once I quit smoking - smells. I cook by smell these days, more or less. I can even tell when pasta is done from the livingroom. I'm extremely easily startled and tickled.

The book helped me in some ways - realizing this is just a normal neurological variation, that it can be an asset and not something just to "deal with". I've really tried to turn this into something positive in my life - being more aware of others, opening up to that (yet firmly maintaing my boundaries). Exploring the details.

I've mostly cringed away from the overstimulation in my life through the years - it made me so anxious I had panic attacks, but the avoidance added to the stress. Embracing it has lessened the negative impact a lot. Even WalMart's bright lights and crowds don't bother me too much anymore as long as it's not prolonged or I'm not already under a lot of stress (physical or emotional).

The book has helped me accept and embrace the fact that it takes me longer to process than most - because I simply have more coming in to sort (and I like to sort things thoroughly before forming a judgment). And it's helped me realize that the reason I don't hear vocal tones well is because I grew up not wanting to. It was so painfully overstimulating I had to block it out, and so now, as an adult, it's less that I don't hear tone, it's that I don't have a clue what those tones actually mean. It's something I'm having to learn.

On the other hand, the way the book suggests success in a world that doesn't value sensitivity - by wearing masks (or personas, as she puts it), playing the game, etc., just doesn't sit well with me. To me that's not honest. It lacks integrity.

I don't want to fool people into liking me or not, hiring me or not, whatever. Maybe it's the goals of the book that differ. I don't even care much about being liked (though having the respect of those I care deeply about is a great blessing). I care about my own actions, my own feelings for people and the world around me. I do acknowledge this is a luxury I have with already having the love and support I need in my life, and not needing a job, but I still don't think lying is the best way to get ahead, for sensitives or anyone else.

It's like on one hand the book is saying it's alright to be your different self, but around others you need to be someone else or they won't respond well to you, and that doesn't resonate with me at all. It seems to me compassion is a better method of relating than dishonesty or fooling people into thinking that you're someone you're not. If you genuinely care, that will come through. It'll show, and people, I believe, and have seen, will respond to that. No persona needed.